Climb Every Mountain

In the last two weeks my heart has been humbled to the love I receive. 

The Lord has placed person after person who constantly uplifts, inspires and encourages me

to

'Keep on Doin this'. 

If you remember my 'Jenny From My Block' post,

you would remember the blessing my brother Dave gave to me, that I would,

"Live an Abundant life".

At first I didn't know quite what that meant. 

But in the last two weeks. . .

My eyes have been opened WIDE to just how abundant my life is. 

In so many ways-but mostly in one way-and that way is

*love*

I give it, I receive it and somehow I am blessed to be in this beautiful cycle of living abundantly

with people who I love and people who love me. 

That as I receive, I give and as I give others receive and so on the dance continues filling my heart

with more gratitude for the abundance of love I feel. 

More times than not I feel completely unworthy of the abundance of love God has put in my life. 

"Why should I be so blessed with so much love?"

when others around me just need an ounce,

and here I am hogging it all...

and so I give love to those who need some. 

And the honest truth is this...

The more you give, the more you get. 

Sometimes I think,

"I am not the only one who has suffered hard trials at a young age in life."

There are many who have suffered similar tragedies, if not more extreme and devastating. . .

So why me? Why am I so blessed to be the recipient of such an outpouring of love? 

I don't know the answer to this question.

***

I would like for you to meet someone. 

His Name,

Jack Jack. 

This guy goes above and beyond to comfort my troubled heart. 

He has become a very dear friend who I'm grateful for in my life. 

We became friends when we both discovered that we love to write. 

I may or may not have encouraged him to start a blog of his very own.

A blog that is indeed insightful and uplifting and fantastic.

A blog every person should check out.

He's quite clever. 

And one time he posted about me.

He's oftentimes much too complimentary

and I feel undeserving.

On Monday, our conversation went something like this,

"Michelle, cancel your plans on Thursday. Whatever you have going on, clear your schedule. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. You can't miss this. If you have ever trusted me, trust me now."

"WHAT is it?"

"Just trust me."

I couldn't wrap my mind around what could possibly be a once in a lifetime opportunity that couldn't be missed. 

I concurred and met him at door 3 of the Tabernacle at 7:30 last night. 

It so happened, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was practicing for their weekly broadcast they do on Sunday. 

In my mind I thought, "Well, isn't this lovely." I love music. It has a way of speaking to me.

About 20 minutes into the practice, the usher came to us and said, 

"We are ready, follow me."

And before I knew what was happening, the choir director announces, 

"We have a special guest. Michelle Newman, thank you for being here. This woman has been through some difficult trials in her young life, and for you, we would like to dedicate this song."

I stood on the stage with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir surrounding me, standing right beside the organ and the orchestra below, as I was serenaded by the most beautiful musical talent in the Salt Lake Valley. 

As I stood and soaked it in, I looked into the eyes of what must have been hundreds of individuals and thought to myself,

"Certainly there are many here singing this song to me who have also suffered tremendous trials, who have faced them courageously and with strength, optimism and joy. . . what makes me different to deserve all this kind of attention or recognition?"

My gratitude got the best of my heart 

as it was full for the strength I felt while these beautiful individuals had tear filled eyes 

and while a smile spread across my face. 

Climb every mountain,

                                                                 Search high and low,

Follow every highway,

Every path you know.

Climb every mountain,

Ford every stream,

Follow every rainbow,

'Till you find your dream.

A dream that will need

All the love you can give,

Every day of your life 

For as long as you live.

It certainly has felt like I have climbed a mountain the last 6 years.

Shucks, it feels like Mt. Everest. 

From rocks and hills, 

slips, falls, tumbles,

strength, endurance, perseverance,

beauty, rain, sunshine and gloom.

Rivers, lakes and ponds that 

at times I have swam through and other times have almost drowned in.

To being engulfed in the foliage all the while being discouraged as I was blinded to see that I was making progress in my climb.  

Getting lost, taking wrong turns and needing to rely on God as my own personal hiking companion to get me back on the beating path. 

Yes, indeed I have climbed every mountain. 

Albeit sometimes slow, sometimes with slips and falls, scrapes, cuts, bruises and wounds. 

But alas, there are moments I get glimpses of what life will look like at the top of my Mountains peak.

And what I see is a majestic life filled with beauty, contentment, serenity and peace

for all the hard work it's taken to get there. 

The pain and heartache has built my valley. 

And when I get to the top of my mountain and look down at my valley of life, 

the pain that created my valley will become beautiful as I look at it from afar. 

***

I have climbed my mountain, or I could say, I'm climbing my mountain.

But I have found the dream that will need all the Love I can give, every day of my life for as long as I live. . . 

And that dream is simply this,

to have the opportunity to share my love with others who suffer, 

to give a smile to grief,

to encourage others to smile through the pain,

dance in the storm, and play in the rain.

To help others create their own sadppy,

to give validation to those whose hearts hurt

but most of all, 

bare testimony of how abundant our Heavenly Fathers love is for each of us. 

He loves us.

He loves me.

He love you.

And I love you too. 

Thank you Jack Jack.

My heart is humbled and full of gratitude. 

Love,

Michelle

I. Am. An. Official 

Soccer Mom;-)

And it makes me happy. 

Love, 

Michelle

Michelle

His Legacy....My Responsibility

I would like to share with you this correspondence I had today. 

Lois,

 I am quite humbled at the beautiful piece you wrote that so beautifully honored James. Not in a million years would I have expected to have the placement in the paper that I received. I want you to know how grateful I am for the opportunity to share my story with others, share my grief and my journey to peace as it offers, in my own way, healing. There is something about sharing him with many that helps me feel like he was not taken too early from this earth life. I have often felt that he isn't here to leave his own mark and legacy on this earth and so it's my sacred responsibility to do it for him, and on Saturday you were a vessel in allowing me to do so. The added love, prayers and support I received that day I sincerely felt as I ran for him in the half marathon. Thank you again, so so much.

Sincerely,

Michelle

Michelle,

I am grateful that you trusted me with your story. But I want to share an email I got that made me cry. You blessed someone that day. (May I interject here and say, James blessed someone that day.) Here’s the text:Hi Lois,I just wanted to thank you for penning and printing the article: Reclaiming Joy: 'Once drowning inside' grieving mom finds strength in honoring her son. Ironically, you printed this article the very day we buried our infant son, in the same cemetery James is buried in, in Sandy. I didn't read this article on that day, but one of my dear friends who attended the funeral did and sent me the link, which I read today. This was a very needed article for me and gives me hope and eases the intense loneliness and pain I feel of being a grieving mother. Thank you so much!Best,****So you see, Michelle, I am humbled and grateful for the chance to tell your story. Blessings,Lois

***

Wow. 

Is all I have to say.

To this sweet mother, I am so very sorry. 

To all sweet bereaved mothers (and fathers)

To all of you who have emailed me, commented on the blog with loss of your own,

I know this,

for a long time I thought I was alone.

Over time, I have discovered,

none of us are alone.

WE all have each other.

It is true that we are all here as an extended family

to buoy and lift one another.

Loss is Loss. 

Whether it is anticipated or tragic

Whether it is a  Mother, Father, Sibling, Child, Grandparent, Friend

heartache and grief is a universal emotion.

May God bless each of you in your personal journey of grief so that one day you will be able to 

 live in the Joy of today, remember the grief of yesterday and to love all of your tomorrows.

So that someday you can find and feel

*Peace*

The entire race I ran with the "I Love You Symbol" It is a symbol I use with my living children and we exchange it privately throughout the day. I exchanged this symbol privately with James my entire run. It's quite possible no one knew or saw it but James. 

Thank you Jenny From my Block for being there to support me at the finish line, and for having your camera in hand to document the beautiful day for me. It was a day of strength, healing, and pure love, and I'm grateful you captured it for me. xoxo

Love, 

Michelle

Every Step I took, I took for Him. 13.1 in 2:06 For you baby James

13.1 Miles in 2:06 for my sweet baby James.

Every step I took,

I took it for him.

I'm not going to lie,

to say I felt defeated on his anniversary would be an understatement.

I felt so defeated I even had myself convinced I wouldn't be able to do the race...

and so

'Why should I even try?'

OBVIOUSLY,

I wasn't strong enough, capable enough of doing

'hard things'

because I struggled so immensely this year with his anniversary.

Comparitively speaking, this year was one of the hardest.

I think because I gave myself a 5 year time limit to 'get over it'

So when six years still hurts as bad as 1,2,3,4 and 5

 it was disheartening coming to the realization it was going to hurt for the rest of my mortal existence.

This year was different than years in the past with the race...

All other years I have trained with someone, run with someone, had someone else to get me to even start the race.

This year, I did it alone. . .

I got myself up (albeit 45 minutes late)

I got myself to the start line.

I was alone even though there were thousands around me.

Kind of like the day of the accident....

I was alone even though there were dozens of people surrounding the accident scene.

Saturday it was just me, God and James.

Just like it was 6 years ago as I hovered over him and no one else in the world mattered.

I recall noise, chattering and people, but in the moment no one else mattered other than the three of us.

I was alone then. I was alone Saturday.

And it was

So theraputic.

I really didn't know what to expect as far as my ability to run this race.

I was super duper not trained well for it.

Kind of how I didn't know my ability to run the marathon of grief. 

My legs and injuries have had the best of me the last several months.

As well as my heart injuries. 

I've been lucky to run 3 times every two weeks.

I ran 10 miles a few weeks back and ran in major pain the last 3 miles.

I was fully expecting to be in pain. . .

because my body and heart had been in such excruciating pain just days before...

but to my pleasant surprise the blessing I received last Sunday of a 'speedy recovery'

I didn't experience an ounce of pain....

in my heart or legs.

I was present every step of the way.

And when it was over, I wanted to continue running.

The finish line was a half mile closer than what the course has been in the past.

It snuck up on me...

I wasn't ready to be done...yet.

And I thought about life and how sometimes it is the same.

Sometimes the finish line of life is before you expect.

Just like James' finish line was much sooner than I had expected. 

And when it is, you may want to keep running...

but hopefully when that time comes to finish the race of life,

we will have been present every step of the way

so we don't regret taking our time for granted.

Not a moment of James' life was taken for granted.

And for that my heart is comforted knowing I enjoyed every step of the journey with Him. 

By mile 12, my legs were like led. 

I was running up the last hill and I stopped to walk for the first time.

1.5 minutes of walking I got a pat on my back and to my surprise it was my friend Jonathan. 

"Come on Michelle, You are doing great."

I exclaimed with a skip in my step, "JONATHAN I needed YOU!"

Heavenly Father puts people in our life to pat us on the back and give us a little umph when the going gets rough. He was an earth angel at that moment. His little bit of encouragement helped me to keep fighting the fight. 

This time we have here on this earth is precious.

It is priceless.

It is fleeting 

and it's flying by each of us. 

Even if we live a full life, when this life is over, just like my race, we will be sad our race is through.

At the end of my race, I knew I had given it my 100% all.

There was nothing I could have done to do any better than I did.

There was nothing I could appreciate more because not once did I wish to 'just be done'. 

So I didn't regret that the finish line crept up on me. 

My heart was full as I realized

I am so much stronger

than I give myself credit for.

I CAN and DO hard things.

Just because it hurts on occasion doesn't mean I've failed or that I am weak.

it just means that I have an injury and sometimes I have to baby that injury. 

And sometimes I have to ask for help through blessings to have Heavenly Father help heal that injury. 

Just like I have babied my leg injuries the last few months,

I get to on occasion baby my grief, which is exactly what I did this last week.

And there is nothing wrong with that;-)

I have to stop feeling like I need to apologize for not always being 'strong'.

Because I think being strong is recognizing we are actually weak and that we can't do anything

without God, his Earth Angels and his blessings

to get us through the race we call 

life. 

***

I think my playlist looks a lot different than most running beside me. 

When I started my race one of many James songs came on.

It was the perfect way to start my race.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd ever make it through
Through this world without having you, I just wouldn't have a clue
'Cuz sometimes it seems like this world's closing in on me
And there's no way of breaking free, and then I see you reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up, I wanna give in, I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby, and everything's alright, everything's alright

When I see you smile, I can face the world, oh oh, you know I can do anything
When I see you smile, I see a ray of light, oh oh
I see it shining right thru the rain

When I see you smile, I can face the world, oh oh, you know I can do anything

And Then....

Next...

All we can do.....is keep Breathing:)

"Your still my inspiration...can it be that you are mine forever love? And you are watching me from up above."

"And even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to  It'll all get better in time"

I wish I could find a way try not to cry
As time goes by
It feels like you gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

"When we're apart remember, all the love we've shared together, and for all this love thank the Lord above who showed us the way...That we can be together forever someday."

I’m gonna walk a hundred miles, I’m gonna whistle all the while, If that’s what it takes to make me smile 

I’m gonna walk a hundred miles.
I’m gonna run right up this hill, Summer sky or winter chill, If I gotta take a break I will,
But I wanna run right up this hill.

"I love you, I've loved you all along. I miss you, far away for far too long. I kept dreaming you'd be with me and never go, stop breathing if i don't see you anymore."

Hopelessly I'm taking a mental picture of you now 'Cause hopelessly The hope is we have so much to feel good about Oh, this has gotta be the good life This has gotta be the good life This could really be a good life, good life

Don't get me wrong. I had plenty of pump up music while I ran, but these songs are what gave me the motivation to keep putting one foot in front of the other for Him.

Music speaks to me. I hope these songs speak to you too if you have lost someone you love. 

xoxo

Michelle

Jenny from my block was there with her camera and snapped a few amazing pictures

cause she's my best friend and an amazing photographer.

I can't wait to share them with you.

A big HUMONGOUS thank you to those who supported me at the finish line. You gave me a reason to 

'Keep on Keepin on."

ps. Stay tuned for a giveaway ;-)

6 Years.

Today wasn't about being strong. Today was about simply surviving. 

Quite simply, I'm often amazed how I can still miss him

this.much.

I apologize if you get tired of hearing it

because quite honestly,

I get tired of typing it.

I'm under some kind of illusion that 

I will miss him less each year.

It's just not the case.

I'm waking up in 4.5 hours to run my annual half marathon 

in memory of him.

My heart has been racing all day.

Literally skipping beats, fluttering right out of my chest.

I feel like I've run a marathon every day the last week 

with the way my heart has been pounding.

If I was being honest I would admit that I'm quite nervous about my run tomorrow.

It's the first time I've been nervous about the race.

Just because, I feel like I've fought against the storm to be able to race it.

After hurting my feet in August and my quads in February,

I have not been able to prepare.

I'm nervous it's going to be painful. 

Because training for it has been painful.

I have babied my legs...

stretched, stretched and then stretched some more

and every run I come away hobbling.

I suppose it's symbolic of this year.

It's been harder than last.

I think it's because I gave myself a mental time line of five years.

That CERTAINLY after five years, I wouldn't hurt as bad.

I think it just hit me like a truck full of boulders that 

it will always hurt this bad. 

1 year

5 years

13 years

22 years 

until the day comes I get to see him again.

That little boy did something to this ole heart.

He lit it up like I've never loved before.

Deseret News is doing a story on him, window safety and healing. It was a pleasure to share with them our journey of finding peace. They had us do a photo shoot at his grave. It was so healing. So fantastic to play there with him at his grave. 

So much outpouring of love.

I have been blessed so abundantly

with people who 

love

care and are so extremely thoughtful.

Thank you to all of you for the well wishes,

messages,

gifts,

conversations,

memories

and concern.

I'm quite frazzled. I am really not very cognitive right now and am not coming up with anything brilliant to say, so I will say this,

Good Night Sweet Baby James. 

Six years ago at this moment,

you had already flown to heaven...

I sat in the hospital emergency room

 held your hand, kissed your eyes and gave you one last hug

until we meet again.

xoxo

Love,

Mom.

Jenny-From-My-Block

I always get to remember

that when I struggle

I get to rely on my Savior.

Sometimes I forget

and try to rely

on

the flesh of man.

And it seems to me I should learn

the flesh of man

always.lets.you.down.

But the flesh of woman is completely different.

Jenny-from-my-block,

she has never let me down.

That is saying something.

I am lucky to have this lady in my life.

Without getting terribly sappy,

aside from my children and tied with my Mother,

she has honestly been

-the greatest blessing in my life-

When I look at her,

it's like I can see myself

because she knows me inside and out.

Aside from God and the woman who gave birth to me

this woman

knows every ounce of what makes me, me.

She is the definition of

Christlike, Compassionate, Unconditional

L.O.V.E.

There have been many times I have let her down

but she continues to love

unfailing.

There have been many times I have run our friendship emotional bank account dry

but she continues to deposit.

(Side note: Funny story. When I first met Jen, I asked her what she goes by...Jen, Jennifer, Jenny etc. Her reply was, 'Anything BUT Jenny.' Little did she know she should never tell me what not to call her. A year later, I moved in close proximity to her neighborhood unbeknownst to her or me, we ended up just a block apart. . .thus, she became the endearing, Jenny From My Block:)

***

I'm running the SL half marathon in memory of James on Saturday. 

He has been gone for six years on Friday.

Saturday marks the sixth time James has been represented in the SL Marathon.

I have represented four of those times.

My brother and his wife once and my best friend once.

It's always been therapeutic for me to 

'endure to the end'

'push through the pain'

'overcome obstacles'

'put one foot in front of the other'

'live in the moment'

'enjoy the journey'

'this too shall pass'

all with the mentality,

"I can Do Hard Things"

I have always been an active girl.

Last August I hurt my feet and it derailed me for quite some time.

I started back in January and thought I was good to go.

But then in February I injured my quad after I got a deep thigh bruise playing powder puff football.

I have spent the last while trying to figure out 

what.was.wrong.with.me.

I was experiencing crazy knee pain.

I went in for two deep tissue massages

and an adjustment from a Sports Medicine Chiropractor
a priesthood blessing from my brother

and Voila,

I'm almost better.

I ran seven miles with little knee pain.

There was some, but I could work through it. 

So the good news is, I get to run in memory of James on Saturday.

Cross your fingers that I can fight the pain and work through it. 

While I like to be prideful and say that 

"I can do hard things alone with my Savior"

I think I'm being just that....prideful.

When I say I can do hard things alone with my Savior, 

I really should be saying, "I can do hard things with the people my Savior has given to me."

Because he can't be here to give me a hug at the end,
he's given me a few who can.

In the blessing my brother Dave gave, he blessed that my legs would experience a speedy recovery,
and that I would find a service project of consequence to bless the lives of others.
He also blessed me that tI would find a spiritual marathon I could embark upon...
that is symbolic to the physical marathon I am embarking upon....
I think i I found just the right spiritual marathon...
I'm going to do a 3 month Book of Mormon challenge.
He also blessed me to live an abundant life.
Which I love, because it's easier to be happy when we recognize how many blessings we have
than it is to dwell on that which has been taken from us.
Even though James was taken,
so much has been given
in terms of growth, understanding, education, knowledge, testimony, love and compassion.
And for that, I am grateful.
For you I am grateful.
To all of those who have listened hour after hour
complain,
analyze and simply
cry,
thank you.
From the very bottom of my heart,
thank you. 

Love you all.

xoxo

Michelle

Speechless

Heavens, it's been three weeks since I've blogged.

That's not like me.

I guess I'm just speechless.

Not knowing how to put into words my heartbreak.

Not really wanting to put my heartbreak on paper.

Bravely facing my grief

-alone-with-my-Savior

Part of me hasn't blogged because I've been scared to acknowledge the grief

because I'm afraid it's going to overtake me.

I'm feeling heavy...

but at the same time,

not wanting to give any of this burden to anyone other than myself

because it's my cross to bare.

For years I wanted everyone else to help lift my burden.

I've wanted to push my burden on them.

I've discovered, this is my weight to bare.

No one will ever understand

my pain exactly

except for

Jesus Christ.

So what good does it do me to boo-who it to the world

when the world can't do anything about it?

I sometimes feel foolish,

actually, most.of.the.time

feel foolish for still grieving, hurting and missing the way I do.

Every year I think

'This year it won't be as hard. This year I won't miss him as bad. This year I will be stronger...'

and every year, 

I discover the same thing,

it's always going to be hard. 

The only difference is,

every year,

I get better at giving it to the 

Lord. 

Oftentimes I have felt like God gave me this trial because he knew

I would need something to always bring me back to him.

A reminder that I really am not as strong as I have the tendency to think I am,

but that there will always be something to turn to him for.

Otherwise, I may just think that I'm fantastic all by myself

leaving it to my own accord to get through this life.

This trial, if it has done anything, it has taught me, I can't do this life alone.

I get to do it with

Jesus Christ.  

***

Easter was hard.

It's usually my favorite day of the year

because it symbolized my greatest blessing God has given me of

Eternal life.

But Sunday was to simply put it

-Hard-

I went to his grave and sang for him.

I laid next to him on his blanket

and told him

how.much.I.love.him.

(Just in case he didn't already know.)

It calmed my heart to be alone with him.

I sang for him.

He was there. I know he was.

I left and when I left,

my heart

was calmed

knowing he is exactly where he needs to be.

 Watching over me. 

Love,

Michelle

Beautiful Ride