Heavens, it's been three weeks since I've blogged.
That's not like me.
I guess I'm just speechless.
Not knowing how to put into words my heartbreak.
Not really wanting to put my heartbreak on paper.
Bravely facing my grief
Part of me hasn't blogged because I've been scared to acknowledge the grief
because I'm afraid it's going to overtake me.
I'm feeling heavy...
but at the same time,
not wanting to give any of this burden to anyone other than myself
because it's my cross to bare.
For years I wanted everyone else to help lift my burden.
I've wanted to push my burden on them.
I've discovered, this is my weight to bare.
No one will ever understand
my pain exactly
So what good does it do me to boo-who it to the world
when the world can't do anything about it?
I sometimes feel foolish,
feel foolish for still grieving, hurting and missing the way I do.
Every year I think
'This year it won't be as hard. This year I won't miss him as bad. This year I will be stronger...'
and every year,
I discover the same thing,
it's always going to be hard.
The only difference is,
I get better at giving it to the
Oftentimes I have felt like God gave me this trial because he knew
I would need something to always bring me back to him.
A reminder that I really am not as strong as I have the tendency to think I am,
but that there will always be something to turn to him for.
Otherwise, I may just think that I'm fantastic all by myself
leaving it to my own accord to get through this life.
This trial, if it has done anything, it has taught me, I can't do this life alone.
I get to do it with
Easter was hard.
It's usually my favorite day of the year
because it symbolized my greatest blessing God has given me of
But Sunday was to simply put it
I went to his grave and sang for him.
I laid next to him on his blanket
and told him
(Just in case he didn't already know.)
It calmed my heart to be alone with him.
I sang for him.
He was there. I know he was.
I left and when I left,
knowing he is exactly where he needs to be.
Watching over me.