These are The Days of Michelle's Life: Speechless

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Speechless

Heavens, it's been three weeks since I've blogged.

That's not like me.

I guess I'm just speechless.

Not knowing how to put into words my heartbreak.

Not really wanting to put my heartbreak on paper.

Bravely facing my grief

-alone-with-my-Savior

Part of me hasn't blogged because I've been scared to acknowledge the grief

because I'm afraid it's going to overtake me.

I'm feeling heavy...

but at the same time,

not wanting to give any of this burden to anyone other than myself

because it's my cross to bare.

For years I wanted everyone else to help lift my burden.

I've wanted to push my burden on them.

I've discovered, this is my weight to bare.

No one will ever understand

my pain exactly

except for

Jesus Christ.

So what good does it do me to boo-who it to the world

when the world can't do anything about it?

I sometimes feel foolish,

actually, most.of.the.time

feel foolish for still grieving, hurting and missing the way I do.

Every year I think

'This year it won't be as hard. This year I won't miss him as bad. This year I will be stronger...'

and every year,

I discover the same thing,

it's always going to be hard.

The only difference is,

every year,

I get better at giving it to the

Lord.

Oftentimes I have felt like God gave me this trial because he knew

I would need something to always bring me back to him.

A reminder that I really am not as strong as I have the tendency to think I am,

but that there will always be something to turn to him for.

Otherwise, I may just think that I'm fantastic all by myself

leaving it to my own accord to get through this life.

This trial, if it has done anything, it has taught me, I can't do this life alone.

I get to do it with

Jesus Christ.

***

Easter was hard.

It's usually my favorite day of the year

because it symbolized my greatest blessing God has given me of

Eternal life.

But Sunday was to simply put it

-Hard-

I went to his grave and sang for him.

I laid next to him on his blanket

and told him

how.much.I.love.him.

(Just in case he didn't already know.)

It calmed my heart to be alone with him.

I sang for him.

He was there. I know he was.

I left and when I left,

my heart

was calmed

knowing he is exactly where he needs to be.

Watching over me.

Love,

Michelle

3 comments:

Ryan and Cheryl HarrisApril 18, 2012 at 11:26 AM
Oh Michelle, You I am crying tears for you. I'm so sorry it doesn't get easier and that this month has been particularly hard. I have been thinking of you. I love you.
ReplyDelete
Jack AndrewsApril 20, 2012 at 10:34 PM
Definitely NOT rambling. :-)
ReplyDelete
AnonymousMay 4, 2012 at 10:10 AM
I am proud of you and that you can write. I lost a daughter (Hollie) 5 years old, lost her with cancer, She would be 37 years old, I still miss her when my other daughters got married i wondered what it would have been like for Hollie, And as grandchildren come into the world i wonder if she would have had any children. I still miss her. But after all this time i know she is ok, and i am ok. And enjoying the children and grandchildren i have. My husband also left me about a year after the death of Hollie.
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Join with me the opportunity to start living your life rather than merely existing. Find reasons to smile and rejoice with me. Find smiles in sorrow, hope in despair, good in tragedy. Help me find the way. I am not saying I will be perfect, but I will be trying. With each other we will find joy in every day living. When James died, I lost myself. Today, I am starting my journey of getting to love who I am and become what God intended me to be. A star Shining Brightly.
****
I am like a star shining brightly. Shining for the whole world to see. I can do and say happy things each day, for I know Heavenly Father loves me.

*Song from the LDS Children's hymn book

Why Photography is My Passion

People ask me often during our sessions,
"How did you get into photography."
"That's a good question" I always reply.
Where to begin with that question, there is a realm beyond this earth why I do it. But, I think in my head, I can't start there.
So, I reply, "I have always had a passion for photography. I asked for my first camera the Christmas I was 6. My mom wouldn't give me one because, 'it was expensive to develop the film'". So, I bought myself one, a hot pink one that took 35mm film, for my 7th birthday the following year. She was right, it was expensive to buy & develop the film, but I didn't care, I loved how it made me feel creating something that I could say, I created. I paid for all of my film & developing, and, it was worth it. I dabbled with it in High School and decided to major in it in College. Plans changed half way through college and I got married and had a baby. I had a beautiful boy. His name is James. He, to my knowledge, or my biased opinion, was.the.cutest.child.in.the.world. I was very diligent in getting his milestone pictures from JC Penny. Every 3 months. It sufficed. Kind of. He was an easy baby to take pictures of. Happy always, smiling freely. I had another son when James was just 15 months old. We agreed upon the name of Spencer. When Spencer was 6 months old, I felt a void in my life. I needed something to do for myself. I needed an outlet from being a mom. I needed a break from the insanity. So, I bought myself a camera, and a website template and started creating my photography business. Not even a day later, after I decided to dive myself head first into a huge passion of mine, my oldest, my most.beautiful.boy flew home to Heaven due to a tragic accident. Coincedence? No. There is not a chance that photography came to me, at my darkest time. It truly, became what I was hoping it would be, my outlet, but not an outlet from my kids, an outlet for my grief. I prior to April 20th, 2006, was quite a happy individual. Easily appeased. Easily smiling, much like my oldest son. From that day, I found one of the only things that made me smile and remember what life was like prior to that day, was you, my clients, you lovely people who invite me to share your memories with you. Photography was a gift given to me, to get me through losing him. Photography, is James' gift to you, I can share it, and I Share him. I give to you, what I wish I could go back and give to myself. The mischevious looks, the innocent looks, the smiling, the running, the dancing, the hugging, the loving, the real.down.to.earth true love a family shares. We have pictures of our precious James, for them I am grateful. But to say that I wish I had more, would be an understatement. To say that I wish I had hundreds of his true personality rather than just a smiling kid at the camera is a desire in my heart, I will never be able to fulfill. While, most people don't lose their child to death like I did, EVERYONE will lose their child to time. Everyone. These images, these pictures, are far more valuable than you will ever dream, until you stare at them 20 years down the road. These, are one thing in life that will never depreciate with time. They only become more valuable the older they become. Invest in your memories, you never know how valuable they will become. This is why I love my job, this is why I do it. I give to you, what I wish I could give to myself.
Love,
SG

When You Love Someone Grieving

This is a list I will add to as I think of things that you can do for someone you love to be a support and friend through their grief. I know a lot of people just "don't know what to say/do" so they don't do anything. Not doing anything is the wrong answer. Hopefully this list can help you help the ones you love in their journey of Grief.

1. First and foremost TALK about the loved one who's passed. Even if it uncomfortable at first, it will become easier.

2. If you didn't know the person at all or very well, ask to hear about them and learn of them through stories.

3. Don't ever put a time line on someone's grief.

4. Saying things like, "They are in a better place." Really isn't comforting. It makes the bereaved feel like the place they had with them wasn't good.

5. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I'm So sorry you have to go through this."

6. If the person needs to analyze the circumstances surrounding the death, let them just talk and rehash anything as many times as they need to.

7. Don't assume they are ever "better." It never gets better and will be a part of them for the rest of their lives.

8. Don't underestimate how frazzled, abscent minded & spacey grief can make you.

9. Pamper them if you have means. Retail Therapy worked great for me! So did pedicures and getting my hair done, I felt awful on the inside, at least I could try to feel good about me on the outside.

10. Love notes. Emails. Thinking of You cards. Thinking of the bereaved person cards.

11. Do not, I stress Do not get offended if your loved one doesn't answer his/her phone or return your calls. Don't assume that they don't appreciate your effort. It's just that someone bereaved doesn't want to put on a "happy voice." and burden everyone with their grief.

12. Most bereaved people will not offer information on how they are doing unless they truly feel like you want to know.

13. Validate.Validate.Validate. Please whatever you do, don't compare your loved ones loss to someone elses' "harder loss". Every loss is hard. Comparing makes the person feel like they shouldn't struggle because it could be worse.

14. The comment "but aren't you grateful you know you see them again" isn't comforting. It is not a fix all. It is comforting, but it doesn't take the pain out of not having them now.

15. Just make sure they know you love them. Be a shoulder to cry on.

This is just the beginning. I have to run but will add more later.