These are The Days of Michelle's Life: His Legacy....My Responsibility

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

His Legacy....My Responsibility

I would like to share with you this correspondence I had today.

Lois,

I am quite humbled at the beautiful piece you wrote that so beautifully honored James. Not in a million years would I have expected to have the placement in the paper that I received. I want you to know how grateful I am for the opportunity to share my story with others, share my grief and my journey to peace as it offers, in my own way, healing. There is something about sharing him with many that helps me feel like he was not taken too early from this earth life. I have often felt that he isn't here to leave his own mark and legacy on this earth and so it's my sacred responsibility to do it for him, and on Saturday you were a vessel in allowing me to do so. The added love, prayers and support I received that day I sincerely felt as I ran for him in the half marathon. Thank you again, so so much.

Sincerely,

Michelle

Michelle,

I am grateful that you trusted me with your story. But I want to share an email I got that made me cry. You blessed someone that day. (May I interject here and say, James blessed someone that day.) Here’s the text:Hi Lois,I just wanted to thank you for penning and printing the article: Reclaiming Joy: 'Once drowning inside' grieving mom finds strength in honoring her son. Ironically, you printed this article the very day we buried our infant son, in the same cemetery James is buried in, in Sandy. I didn't read this article on that day, but one of my dear friends who attended the funeral did and sent me the link, which I read today. This was a very needed article for me and gives me hope and eases the intense loneliness and pain I feel of being a grieving mother. Thank you so much!Best,****So you see, Michelle, I am humbled and grateful for the chance to tell your story. Blessings,Lois

***

Wow.

Is all I have to say.

To this sweet mother, I am so very sorry.

To all sweet bereaved mothers (and fathers)

To all of you who have emailed me, commented on the blog with loss of your own,

I know this,

for a long time I thought I was alone.

Over time, I have discovered,

none of us are alone.

WE all have each other.

It is true that we are all here as an extended family

to buoy and lift one another.

Loss is Loss.

Whether it is anticipated or tragic

Whether it is a Mother, Father, Sibling, Child, Grandparent, Friend

heartache and grief is a universal emotion.

May God bless each of you in your personal journey of grief so that one day you will be able to

live in the Joy of today, remember the grief of yesterday and to love all of your tomorrows.

So that someday you can find and feel

*Peace*

The entire race I ran with the "I Love You Symbol" It is a symbol I use with my living children and we exchange it privately throughout the day. I exchanged this symbol privately with James my entire run. It's quite possible no one knew or saw it but James.

Thank you Jenny From my Block for being there to support me at the finish line, and for having your camera in hand to document the beautiful day for me. It was a day of strength, healing, and pure love, and I'm grateful you captured it for me. xoxo

Love,

Michelle

6 comments:

RebekahApril 25, 2012 at 5:24 PM
Beautiful post. I also found strength and healing in the article. My child still lives but each day is a gift that we don't know if we get to keep. At 22 months, he is considered to be a long-term survivor and any illness could be his last. I read your article on a day when things were looking pretty grim for him. He's since turned things around again, but for me, your article could not have been better timed. Thank you for sharing.
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Anna PackardApril 25, 2012 at 9:11 PM
Hi Michelle,
I am the mother who wrote Lois to thank her for the article. Since I read that article I am following your blog. I am so grateful for your honesty, courage, and ability to speak so eloquently what I feel and also hope someday to feel. :) I am just beginning this journey of grief, losing my four month old son to SIDS this month, and your journey gives me perspective and hope.
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Ala.miracleMomApril 28, 2012 at 8:21 AM
Through you, Michelle, James is a force in the world for comfort and strength and courage. Don't ever stop telling the story of your journey through the valley of the shadow of death and the peace that comes through walking that valley with The Shepherd. Ultimately, all comfort, strength and courage comes from Him. It is all His gift to us.
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The Robles FamilyApril 28, 2012 at 7:14 PM
I hope you know what an amazing inspiration you are...spreading positivity and hope to so many. Thank you.
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laelMay 2, 2012 at 9:23 PM
Hello Michelle. I cried when I read your article in Deseret News. In June 2004 my sweet boy of 3 yrs old was sitting on our bed in our 2nd story apartment building, which was up against the window, watching cartoons with his older brother. I had the windows open, as it was such a beautiful day that day, and he leaned against the screen, the screen gave away, and he fell to the ground. I immediately rushed to his side, where he was trying to catch his breath. I made sure he could move his legs and arms, and him being only 3, he was trying to get up to have me cradle him in my arms so I picked him up and drove to his doctors office which was only about 3 min away. They did x-rays and checked everything out. He was amazingly ok. He landed on grass, just inches away from concrete, probley saving his life. He is now 11 yrs old, very smart, sweet, and a real treasure in my life. After I read your story I had to go hug him. My heart hurts for you. I can not imagine the pain you have had to bear. You are amazing to share this story of your sweet boy. I, as so many, had not even thought of a screen popping loose and this happening to my baby, until it happened. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure your son is proud of you.
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DottieMay 19, 2012 at 10:20 PM
Shelly, not only are you a great photographer, you have a marvelous way with words expressing your feelings of love for James and all of your family. I would love to know you.

It's been 16 years since my beautiful daughter, Katrina, disappeared at the age of 15 and I can still remember everything that happened that whole weekend leading up to her disappearance. I had just started getting supplies for a family memory album shortly before her disappearance and putting together albums about her and all she had done and was in her short life is what saved my life. I am so thankful for the pictures of some wonderful events with Katrina so I can remember the happy times along with some not so happy times. (Katrina was found deceased nine years after her disappearance.) I had a difficult time finishing her 4th and last album because that showed the end of her life and I didn't want to see it end.
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Join with me the opportunity to start living your life rather than merely existing. Find reasons to smile and rejoice with me. Find smiles in sorrow, hope in despair, good in tragedy. Help me find the way. I am not saying I will be perfect, but I will be trying. With each other we will find joy in every day living. When James died, I lost myself. Today, I am starting my journey of getting to love who I am and become what God intended me to be. A star Shining Brightly.
****
I am like a star shining brightly. Shining for the whole world to see. I can do and say happy things each day, for I know Heavenly Father loves me.

*Song from the LDS Children's hymn book

Why Photography is My Passion

People ask me often during our sessions,
"How did you get into photography."
"That's a good question" I always reply.
Where to begin with that question, there is a realm beyond this earth why I do it. But, I think in my head, I can't start there.
So, I reply, "I have always had a passion for photography. I asked for my first camera the Christmas I was 6. My mom wouldn't give me one because, 'it was expensive to develop the film'". So, I bought myself one, a hot pink one that took 35mm film, for my 7th birthday the following year. She was right, it was expensive to buy & develop the film, but I didn't care, I loved how it made me feel creating something that I could say, I created. I paid for all of my film & developing, and, it was worth it. I dabbled with it in High School and decided to major in it in College. Plans changed half way through college and I got married and had a baby. I had a beautiful boy. His name is James. He, to my knowledge, or my biased opinion, was.the.cutest.child.in.the.world. I was very diligent in getting his milestone pictures from JC Penny. Every 3 months. It sufficed. Kind of. He was an easy baby to take pictures of. Happy always, smiling freely. I had another son when James was just 15 months old. We agreed upon the name of Spencer. When Spencer was 6 months old, I felt a void in my life. I needed something to do for myself. I needed an outlet from being a mom. I needed a break from the insanity. So, I bought myself a camera, and a website template and started creating my photography business. Not even a day later, after I decided to dive myself head first into a huge passion of mine, my oldest, my most.beautiful.boy flew home to Heaven due to a tragic accident. Coincedence? No. There is not a chance that photography came to me, at my darkest time. It truly, became what I was hoping it would be, my outlet, but not an outlet from my kids, an outlet for my grief. I prior to April 20th, 2006, was quite a happy individual. Easily appeased. Easily smiling, much like my oldest son. From that day, I found one of the only things that made me smile and remember what life was like prior to that day, was you, my clients, you lovely people who invite me to share your memories with you. Photography was a gift given to me, to get me through losing him. Photography, is James' gift to you, I can share it, and I Share him. I give to you, what I wish I could go back and give to myself. The mischevious looks, the innocent looks, the smiling, the running, the dancing, the hugging, the loving, the real.down.to.earth true love a family shares. We have pictures of our precious James, for them I am grateful. But to say that I wish I had more, would be an understatement. To say that I wish I had hundreds of his true personality rather than just a smiling kid at the camera is a desire in my heart, I will never be able to fulfill. While, most people don't lose their child to death like I did, EVERYONE will lose their child to time. Everyone. These images, these pictures, are far more valuable than you will ever dream, until you stare at them 20 years down the road. These, are one thing in life that will never depreciate with time. They only become more valuable the older they become. Invest in your memories, you never know how valuable they will become. This is why I love my job, this is why I do it. I give to you, what I wish I could give to myself.
Love,
SG

When You Love Someone Grieving

This is a list I will add to as I think of things that you can do for someone you love to be a support and friend through their grief. I know a lot of people just "don't know what to say/do" so they don't do anything. Not doing anything is the wrong answer. Hopefully this list can help you help the ones you love in their journey of Grief.

1. First and foremost TALK about the loved one who's passed. Even if it uncomfortable at first, it will become easier.

2. If you didn't know the person at all or very well, ask to hear about them and learn of them through stories.

3. Don't ever put a time line on someone's grief.

4. Saying things like, "They are in a better place." Really isn't comforting. It makes the bereaved feel like the place they had with them wasn't good.

5. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I'm So sorry you have to go through this."

6. If the person needs to analyze the circumstances surrounding the death, let them just talk and rehash anything as many times as they need to.

7. Don't assume they are ever "better." It never gets better and will be a part of them for the rest of their lives.

8. Don't underestimate how frazzled, abscent minded & spacey grief can make you.

9. Pamper them if you have means. Retail Therapy worked great for me! So did pedicures and getting my hair done, I felt awful on the inside, at least I could try to feel good about me on the outside.

10. Love notes. Emails. Thinking of You cards. Thinking of the bereaved person cards.

11. Do not, I stress Do not get offended if your loved one doesn't answer his/her phone or return your calls. Don't assume that they don't appreciate your effort. It's just that someone bereaved doesn't want to put on a "happy voice." and burden everyone with their grief.

12. Most bereaved people will not offer information on how they are doing unless they truly feel like you want to know.

13. Validate.Validate.Validate. Please whatever you do, don't compare your loved ones loss to someone elses' "harder loss". Every loss is hard. Comparing makes the person feel like they shouldn't struggle because it could be worse.

14. The comment "but aren't you grateful you know you see them again" isn't comforting. It is not a fix all. It is comforting, but it doesn't take the pain out of not having them now.

15. Just make sure they know you love them. Be a shoulder to cry on.

This is just the beginning. I have to run but will add more later.