Every Step I took, I took for Him. 13.1 in 2:06 For you baby James

13.1 Miles in 2:06 for my sweet baby James.

Every step I took,

I took it for him.

I'm not going to lie,

to say I felt defeated on his anniversary would be an understatement.

I felt so defeated I even had myself convinced I wouldn't be able to do the race...

and so

'Why should I even try?'

OBVIOUSLY,

I wasn't strong enough, capable enough of doing

'hard things'

because I struggled so immensely this year with his anniversary.

Comparitively speaking, this year was one of the hardest.

I think because I gave myself a 5 year time limit to 'get over it'

So when six years still hurts as bad as 1,2,3,4 and 5

 it was disheartening coming to the realization it was going to hurt for the rest of my mortal existence.

This year was different than years in the past with the race...

All other years I have trained with someone, run with someone, had someone else to get me to even start the race.

This year, I did it alone. . .

I got myself up (albeit 45 minutes late)

I got myself to the start line.

I was alone even though there were thousands around me.

Kind of like the day of the accident....

I was alone even though there were dozens of people surrounding the accident scene.

Saturday it was just me, God and James.

Just like it was 6 years ago as I hovered over him and no one else in the world mattered.

I recall noise, chattering and people, but in the moment no one else mattered other than the three of us.

I was alone then. I was alone Saturday.

And it was

So theraputic.

I really didn't know what to expect as far as my ability to run this race.

I was super duper not trained well for it.

Kind of how I didn't know my ability to run the marathon of grief. 

My legs and injuries have had the best of me the last several months.

As well as my heart injuries. 

I've been lucky to run 3 times every two weeks.

I ran 10 miles a few weeks back and ran in major pain the last 3 miles.

I was fully expecting to be in pain. . .

because my body and heart had been in such excruciating pain just days before...

but to my pleasant surprise the blessing I received last Sunday of a 'speedy recovery'

I didn't experience an ounce of pain....

in my heart or legs.

I was present every step of the way.

And when it was over, I wanted to continue running.

The finish line was a half mile closer than what the course has been in the past.

It snuck up on me...

I wasn't ready to be done...yet.

And I thought about life and how sometimes it is the same.

Sometimes the finish line of life is before you expect.

Just like James' finish line was much sooner than I had expected. 

And when it is, you may want to keep running...

but hopefully when that time comes to finish the race of life,

we will have been present every step of the way

so we don't regret taking our time for granted.

Not a moment of James' life was taken for granted.

And for that my heart is comforted knowing I enjoyed every step of the journey with Him. 

By mile 12, my legs were like led. 

I was running up the last hill and I stopped to walk for the first time.

1.5 minutes of walking I got a pat on my back and to my surprise it was my friend Jonathan. 

"Come on Michelle, You are doing great."

I exclaimed with a skip in my step, "JONATHAN I needed YOU!"

Heavenly Father puts people in our life to pat us on the back and give us a little umph when the going gets rough. He was an earth angel at that moment. His little bit of encouragement helped me to keep fighting the fight. 

This time we have here on this earth is precious.

It is priceless.

It is fleeting 

and it's flying by each of us. 

Even if we live a full life, when this life is over, just like my race, we will be sad our race is through.

At the end of my race, I knew I had given it my 100% all.

There was nothing I could have done to do any better than I did.

There was nothing I could appreciate more because not once did I wish to 'just be done'. 

So I didn't regret that the finish line crept up on me. 

My heart was full as I realized

I am so much stronger

than I give myself credit for.

I CAN and DO hard things.

Just because it hurts on occasion doesn't mean I've failed or that I am weak.

it just means that I have an injury and sometimes I have to baby that injury. 

And sometimes I have to ask for help through blessings to have Heavenly Father help heal that injury. 

Just like I have babied my leg injuries the last few months,

I get to on occasion baby my grief, which is exactly what I did this last week.

And there is nothing wrong with that;-)

I have to stop feeling like I need to apologize for not always being 'strong'.

Because I think being strong is recognizing we are actually weak and that we can't do anything

without God, his Earth Angels and his blessings

to get us through the race we call 

life. 

***

I think my playlist looks a lot different than most running beside me. 

When I started my race one of many James songs came on.

It was the perfect way to start my race.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd ever make it through
Through this world without having you, I just wouldn't have a clue
'Cuz sometimes it seems like this world's closing in on me
And there's no way of breaking free, and then I see you reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up, I wanna give in, I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby, and everything's alright, everything's alright

When I see you smile, I can face the world, oh oh, you know I can do anything
When I see you smile, I see a ray of light, oh oh
I see it shining right thru the rain

When I see you smile, I can face the world, oh oh, you know I can do anything

And Then....

Next...

All we can do.....is keep Breathing:)

"Your still my inspiration...can it be that you are mine forever love? And you are watching me from up above."

"And even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to  It'll all get better in time"

I wish I could find a way try not to cry
As time goes by
It feels like you gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

"When we're apart remember, all the love we've shared together, and for all this love thank the Lord above who showed us the way...That we can be together forever someday."

I’m gonna walk a hundred miles, I’m gonna whistle all the while, If that’s what it takes to make me smile 

I’m gonna walk a hundred miles.
I’m gonna run right up this hill, Summer sky or winter chill, If I gotta take a break I will,
But I wanna run right up this hill.

"I love you, I've loved you all along. I miss you, far away for far too long. I kept dreaming you'd be with me and never go, stop breathing if i don't see you anymore."

Hopelessly I'm taking a mental picture of you now 'Cause hopelessly The hope is we have so much to feel good about Oh, this has gotta be the good life This has gotta be the good life This could really be a good life, good life

Don't get me wrong. I had plenty of pump up music while I ran, but these songs are what gave me the motivation to keep putting one foot in front of the other for Him.

Music speaks to me. I hope these songs speak to you too if you have lost someone you love. 

xoxo

Michelle

Jenny from my block was there with her camera and snapped a few amazing pictures

cause she's my best friend and an amazing photographer.

I can't wait to share them with you.

A big HUMONGOUS thank you to those who supported me at the finish line. You gave me a reason to 

'Keep on Keepin on."

ps. Stay tuned for a giveaway ;-)