These are The Days of Michelle's Life: 6 Years.

Friday, April 20, 2012

6 Years.

Today wasn't about being strong. Today was about simply surviving.

Quite simply, I'm often amazed how I can still miss him

this.much.

I apologize if you get tired of hearing it

because quite honestly,

I get tired of typing it.

I'm under some kind of illusion that

I will miss him less each year.

It's just not the case.

I'm waking up in 4.5 hours to run my annual half marathon

in memory of him.

My heart has been racing all day.

Literally skipping beats, fluttering right out of my chest.

I feel like I've run a marathon every day the last week

with the way my heart has been pounding.

If I was being honest I would admit that I'm quite nervous about my run tomorrow.

It's the first time I've been nervous about the race.

Just because, I feel like I've fought against the storm to be able to race it.

After hurting my feet in August and my quads in February,

I have not been able to prepare.

I'm nervous it's going to be painful.

Because training for it has been painful.

I have babied my legs...

stretched, stretched and then stretched some more

and every run I come away hobbling.

I suppose it's symbolic of this year.

It's been harder than last.

I think it's because I gave myself a mental time line of five years.

That CERTAINLY after five years, I wouldn't hurt as bad.

I think it just hit me like a truck full of boulders that

it will always hurt this bad.

1 year

5 years

13 years

22 years

until the day comes I get to see him again.

That little boy did something to this ole heart.

He lit it up like I've never loved before.

Deseret News is doing a story on him, window safety and healing. It was a pleasure to share with them our journey of finding peace. They had us do a photo shoot at his grave. It was so healing. So fantastic to play there with him at his grave.

So much outpouring of love.

I have been blessed so abundantly

with people who

love

care and are so extremely thoughtful.

Thank you to all of you for the well wishes,

messages,

gifts,

conversations,

memories

and concern.

I'm quite frazzled. I am really not very cognitive right now and am not coming up with anything brilliant to say, so I will say this,

Good Night Sweet Baby James.

Six years ago at this moment,

you had already flown to heaven...

I sat in the hospital emergency room

held your hand, kissed your eyes and gave you one last hug

until we meet again.

xoxo

Love,

Mom.

10 comments:

RoeHApril 21, 2012 at 9:02 AM
My daughter lost her first baby. It is never easy. She never really got to know the baby, but still the same, it is hard. Usually every October she will write a blog post dedicated to that little girl on her birthday. She is never forgotten. I always include her when people ask how many grandchildren I have. Always.
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ShaunaApril 21, 2012 at 11:33 AM
Michelle, I saw the article in the Deseret News and I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your sweet angel James. You're in my thoughts and prayers today. ((Hugs))
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EricaApril 21, 2012 at 11:53 AM
I came over from the article in Deseret News. I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm shedding tears for you and your family. I lost my sister when she was 5 in an accident. I'm glad you keep James apart of their lives. You always miss your late sibling.
Sending hugs and prayers across the miles.
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AmyApril 21, 2012 at 4:29 PM
Michelle,
I saw your story on Deseret News. I lost my infant daughter almost 14 years ago- some days, it feels like yesterday. I admire your courage and strength to look for the joy in life! Doing that has helped our family. We celebrate her life and she is very much a part of our family. Hugs, prayers, and JOY to you on your journey!
Amy
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Ashley SullengerApril 21, 2012 at 9:37 PM
I'm sorry I didn't realize what yesterday was. I would have written you. I hope it went okay, though I know it will always be hard.

I love the picture of you three by James' headstone. The picture captures the moment perfectly. I can't wait to read the article they wrote about James and your family. Hang in there,

Love,
Ashley
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AnonymousApril 22, 2012 at 3:47 PM
Dear Michelle: It is easy to see why your sweet James is such an amazing Angel. He has a completely amazing Mother. Thank you for sharing your story. May your James always light the way for you.
Maybe your James would say.....
"I'll lead you, guide you, walk beside you,
help you find the way.
I'll welcome you with open arms,
one bright Celestial Day.
Donna Cuillard
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~JordynApril 23, 2012 at 12:48 PM
4 years since I've known you and read your blog.And still reading about this sweet little boy brings tears to my eyes. He is touching so many people still. And our family always thinks of you this time of year. I hope you had a wonderful run. I really love those pictures as well. They are gorgeous!

Love, Jordyn
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AnonymousApril 23, 2012 at 12:58 PM
read the article in Deseret news. thanks for sharing. My 16 year old son died 3 years ago in an accident. The pain doesn't stop. I read all of your blog and cried for your loss too. I wondered where your husband is, as our sons death has been so hard on our marriage and our family, our other kids. I would love to see a forum for grieving moms to talk to each other. thanks, Lori
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Beverly @ The BuzzApril 23, 2012 at 2:58 PM
Bless your heart. My eldest daughter died 6 years ago on April 11. She was 28. Sometimes I miss her so much I can't breathe. For a long time, I hated to go to bed at night, because that was one more day away from the last time I saw her. Then my husband told me to think of it as one more day closer to seeing her again. Thank you for your honest and open sharing of your grief and pain. It helps me not feel so alone.
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brigetteApril 24, 2012 at 10:12 AM
What a sweet post! April is a hard month for me also as it is the month my son was born who passed away so young. We just celebrated his 4th bday with out him. I'm relieved to read I'm not he only one who still feels the pain. I'm not happy you have to know this pain I'm so sorry you do but it helps to know I'm not alone. Praying for your sweet family!
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Join with me the opportunity to start living your life rather than merely existing. Find reasons to smile and rejoice with me. Find smiles in sorrow, hope in despair, good in tragedy. Help me find the way. I am not saying I will be perfect, but I will be trying. With each other we will find joy in every day living. When James died, I lost myself. Today, I am starting my journey of getting to love who I am and become what God intended me to be. A star Shining Brightly.
****
I am like a star shining brightly. Shining for the whole world to see. I can do and say happy things each day, for I know Heavenly Father loves me.

*Song from the LDS Children's hymn book

Why Photography is My Passion

People ask me often during our sessions,
"How did you get into photography."
"That's a good question" I always reply.
Where to begin with that question, there is a realm beyond this earth why I do it. But, I think in my head, I can't start there.
So, I reply, "I have always had a passion for photography. I asked for my first camera the Christmas I was 6. My mom wouldn't give me one because, 'it was expensive to develop the film'". So, I bought myself one, a hot pink one that took 35mm film, for my 7th birthday the following year. She was right, it was expensive to buy & develop the film, but I didn't care, I loved how it made me feel creating something that I could say, I created. I paid for all of my film & developing, and, it was worth it. I dabbled with it in High School and decided to major in it in College. Plans changed half way through college and I got married and had a baby. I had a beautiful boy. His name is James. He, to my knowledge, or my biased opinion, was.the.cutest.child.in.the.world. I was very diligent in getting his milestone pictures from JC Penny. Every 3 months. It sufficed. Kind of. He was an easy baby to take pictures of. Happy always, smiling freely. I had another son when James was just 15 months old. We agreed upon the name of Spencer. When Spencer was 6 months old, I felt a void in my life. I needed something to do for myself. I needed an outlet from being a mom. I needed a break from the insanity. So, I bought myself a camera, and a website template and started creating my photography business. Not even a day later, after I decided to dive myself head first into a huge passion of mine, my oldest, my most.beautiful.boy flew home to Heaven due to a tragic accident. Coincedence? No. There is not a chance that photography came to me, at my darkest time. It truly, became what I was hoping it would be, my outlet, but not an outlet from my kids, an outlet for my grief. I prior to April 20th, 2006, was quite a happy individual. Easily appeased. Easily smiling, much like my oldest son. From that day, I found one of the only things that made me smile and remember what life was like prior to that day, was you, my clients, you lovely people who invite me to share your memories with you. Photography was a gift given to me, to get me through losing him. Photography, is James' gift to you, I can share it, and I Share him. I give to you, what I wish I could go back and give to myself. The mischevious looks, the innocent looks, the smiling, the running, the dancing, the hugging, the loving, the real.down.to.earth true love a family shares. We have pictures of our precious James, for them I am grateful. But to say that I wish I had more, would be an understatement. To say that I wish I had hundreds of his true personality rather than just a smiling kid at the camera is a desire in my heart, I will never be able to fulfill. While, most people don't lose their child to death like I did, EVERYONE will lose their child to time. Everyone. These images, these pictures, are far more valuable than you will ever dream, until you stare at them 20 years down the road. These, are one thing in life that will never depreciate with time. They only become more valuable the older they become. Invest in your memories, you never know how valuable they will become. This is why I love my job, this is why I do it. I give to you, what I wish I could give to myself.
Love,
SG

When You Love Someone Grieving

This is a list I will add to as I think of things that you can do for someone you love to be a support and friend through their grief. I know a lot of people just "don't know what to say/do" so they don't do anything. Not doing anything is the wrong answer. Hopefully this list can help you help the ones you love in their journey of Grief.

1. First and foremost TALK about the loved one who's passed. Even if it uncomfortable at first, it will become easier.

2. If you didn't know the person at all or very well, ask to hear about them and learn of them through stories.

3. Don't ever put a time line on someone's grief.

4. Saying things like, "They are in a better place." Really isn't comforting. It makes the bereaved feel like the place they had with them wasn't good.

5. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I'm So sorry you have to go through this."

6. If the person needs to analyze the circumstances surrounding the death, let them just talk and rehash anything as many times as they need to.

7. Don't assume they are ever "better." It never gets better and will be a part of them for the rest of their lives.

8. Don't underestimate how frazzled, abscent minded & spacey grief can make you.

9. Pamper them if you have means. Retail Therapy worked great for me! So did pedicures and getting my hair done, I felt awful on the inside, at least I could try to feel good about me on the outside.

10. Love notes. Emails. Thinking of You cards. Thinking of the bereaved person cards.

11. Do not, I stress Do not get offended if your loved one doesn't answer his/her phone or return your calls. Don't assume that they don't appreciate your effort. It's just that someone bereaved doesn't want to put on a "happy voice." and burden everyone with their grief.

12. Most bereaved people will not offer information on how they are doing unless they truly feel like you want to know.

13. Validate.Validate.Validate. Please whatever you do, don't compare your loved ones loss to someone elses' "harder loss". Every loss is hard. Comparing makes the person feel like they shouldn't struggle because it could be worse.

14. The comment "but aren't you grateful you know you see them again" isn't comforting. It is not a fix all. It is comforting, but it doesn't take the pain out of not having them now.

15. Just make sure they know you love them. Be a shoulder to cry on.

This is just the beginning. I have to run but will add more later.