These are The Days of Michelle's Life: Happy day 64. Momma's Faith

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Happy day 64. Momma's Faith

My anxiety got the best of me today. So the kiddies and the daddy went to celebrate the fourth and left me to myself for some needed R&R, and Editing and thinking and introspection. My heart feels like it's been racing all day. My mom and I played phone tag today. When I heard her voice I cried. My mommy has a way of comforting me by just the sound of her voice. We talked and cried as I told her of my fears and feelings and frustrations and feeling incapable. I know she feels helpless and that she can't do anything to take my depression away. If she only knew how much it helped to just have her believe in me! I love you mom. Thank you for your email.

*****
Knowing someone has faith in you is more powerful than any amount of criticism.

"I love you so much. I believe in you. I believe you will beat this chemical monster that wants to tear your life apart. You will do it, I know you will. You know in your heart that you are not the scared, incompetent, lonely little girl that scares you to death is not really Michelle Dawn Newman Krainich. Not by a long shot. You braved the scary dog snarling at you every day as you walked to school. You took your first job at 16 in that pizza place and you did great. You earned your own money and made your own decisions since the time you were about 10 years old. In high school you had the backbone to walk away from a boy on drugs. You are beautiful, talented, capable, smart, loving, giving, generous, spiritual, and deeply insightful. All that and a natural butterfly, too long cocooned, with gorgeous,brilliant colorful wings that give delight to everyone. Spread your wings, dear butterfly; seek the sun, flit and fly - who is going to stop you? No one! No one, because God is your safety net! There are good days ahead, wonderful tomorrows. Let yourself believe in yourself. Remember who you are! All that I said and more - the daughter of a King!" Always love, always faith in you, Mom

Can you spot the American flag???

Don't let her sweet innocent face fool you:)

Classic Spence Face.

(I won't begin to tell you how much blood, sweat and tears it took to get these 3 pictures today. It was a lot. I may or may not have locked my kids outside in the back to play for a while afterward out of frustration. Trust me, it was better that way.)

I am happy to have my mommy. Hopefully one day I can be the same kind of mom to my kids as my mom has been to me. My cheerleader, advocate, shoulder to cry on, teacher and best friend..
Happy 4th of July!
Loves,
Michelle

2 comments:

LisaJuly 4, 2010 at 7:41 PM
What a beautiful note from your Momma! Your Mom is something special and worth gold in my eyes. I have been beyond blessed to have her in my life. My testimony has grown tenfold from hearing her life experiences and love for her own children. She has been an answer to prayers many times and has had such an influence upon my life.

She loves you so much Michelle! She glows when she talks about her children and grandchildren. What special message that you will be able to keep forever.
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JulieJuly 5, 2010 at 9:21 PM
Adorable Michelle!
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Join with me the opportunity to start living your life rather than merely existing. Find reasons to smile and rejoice with me. Find smiles in sorrow, hope in despair, good in tragedy. Help me find the way. I am not saying I will be perfect, but I will be trying. With each other we will find joy in every day living. When James died, I lost myself. Today, I am starting my journey of getting to love who I am and become what God intended me to be. A star Shining Brightly.
****
I am like a star shining brightly. Shining for the whole world to see. I can do and say happy things each day, for I know Heavenly Father loves me.

*Song from the LDS Children's hymn book

Why Photography is My Passion

People ask me often during our sessions,
"How did you get into photography."
"That's a good question" I always reply.
Where to begin with that question, there is a realm beyond this earth why I do it. But, I think in my head, I can't start there.
So, I reply, "I have always had a passion for photography. I asked for my first camera the Christmas I was 6. My mom wouldn't give me one because, 'it was expensive to develop the film'". So, I bought myself one, a hot pink one that took 35mm film, for my 7th birthday the following year. She was right, it was expensive to buy & develop the film, but I didn't care, I loved how it made me feel creating something that I could say, I created. I paid for all of my film & developing, and, it was worth it. I dabbled with it in High School and decided to major in it in College. Plans changed half way through college and I got married and had a baby. I had a beautiful boy. His name is James. He, to my knowledge, or my biased opinion, was.the.cutest.child.in.the.world. I was very diligent in getting his milestone pictures from JC Penny. Every 3 months. It sufficed. Kind of. He was an easy baby to take pictures of. Happy always, smiling freely. I had another son when James was just 15 months old. We agreed upon the name of Spencer. When Spencer was 6 months old, I felt a void in my life. I needed something to do for myself. I needed an outlet from being a mom. I needed a break from the insanity. So, I bought myself a camera, and a website template and started creating my photography business. Not even a day later, after I decided to dive myself head first into a huge passion of mine, my oldest, my most.beautiful.boy flew home to Heaven due to a tragic accident. Coincedence? No. There is not a chance that photography came to me, at my darkest time. It truly, became what I was hoping it would be, my outlet, but not an outlet from my kids, an outlet for my grief. I prior to April 20th, 2006, was quite a happy individual. Easily appeased. Easily smiling, much like my oldest son. From that day, I found one of the only things that made me smile and remember what life was like prior to that day, was you, my clients, you lovely people who invite me to share your memories with you. Photography was a gift given to me, to get me through losing him. Photography, is James' gift to you, I can share it, and I Share him. I give to you, what I wish I could go back and give to myself. The mischevious looks, the innocent looks, the smiling, the running, the dancing, the hugging, the loving, the real.down.to.earth true love a family shares. We have pictures of our precious James, for them I am grateful. But to say that I wish I had more, would be an understatement. To say that I wish I had hundreds of his true personality rather than just a smiling kid at the camera is a desire in my heart, I will never be able to fulfill. While, most people don't lose their child to death like I did, EVERYONE will lose their child to time. Everyone. These images, these pictures, are far more valuable than you will ever dream, until you stare at them 20 years down the road. These, are one thing in life that will never depreciate with time. They only become more valuable the older they become. Invest in your memories, you never know how valuable they will become. This is why I love my job, this is why I do it. I give to you, what I wish I could give to myself.
Love,
SG

When You Love Someone Grieving

This is a list I will add to as I think of things that you can do for someone you love to be a support and friend through their grief. I know a lot of people just "don't know what to say/do" so they don't do anything. Not doing anything is the wrong answer. Hopefully this list can help you help the ones you love in their journey of Grief.

1. First and foremost TALK about the loved one who's passed. Even if it uncomfortable at first, it will become easier.

2. If you didn't know the person at all or very well, ask to hear about them and learn of them through stories.

3. Don't ever put a time line on someone's grief.

4. Saying things like, "They are in a better place." Really isn't comforting. It makes the bereaved feel like the place they had with them wasn't good.

5. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I'm So sorry you have to go through this."

6. If the person needs to analyze the circumstances surrounding the death, let them just talk and rehash anything as many times as they need to.

7. Don't assume they are ever "better." It never gets better and will be a part of them for the rest of their lives.

8. Don't underestimate how frazzled, abscent minded & spacey grief can make you.

9. Pamper them if you have means. Retail Therapy worked great for me! So did pedicures and getting my hair done, I felt awful on the inside, at least I could try to feel good about me on the outside.

10. Love notes. Emails. Thinking of You cards. Thinking of the bereaved person cards.

11. Do not, I stress Do not get offended if your loved one doesn't answer his/her phone or return your calls. Don't assume that they don't appreciate your effort. It's just that someone bereaved doesn't want to put on a "happy voice." and burden everyone with their grief.

12. Most bereaved people will not offer information on how they are doing unless they truly feel like you want to know.

13. Validate.Validate.Validate. Please whatever you do, don't compare your loved ones loss to someone elses' "harder loss". Every loss is hard. Comparing makes the person feel like they shouldn't struggle because it could be worse.

14. The comment "but aren't you grateful you know you see them again" isn't comforting. It is not a fix all. It is comforting, but it doesn't take the pain out of not having them now.

15. Just make sure they know you love them. Be a shoulder to cry on.

This is just the beginning. I have to run but will add more later.